Broken Brother
by Brothers-against-the-world
Summary: When Dean finally decides enough is enough and goes to find Sam at Stanford, his world is turned upside down.
1. Chapter 1

Summary : set while Sam is at stanford. Dean finally gives in and goes to find his brother, but nothing will ever go as planned for a winchester.

not sure what I think of this one, so please review with what you think, just a sentence is good!

Not been beta'd, so any spelling mistakes or general stupidity is my fault.

No spoilers, and no pairings in this one.

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><p>It had been nearly two years since Sam had left for Stanford, and both had felt like hell to Dean. Going from constantly being near his brother to no contact what so ever was more brutal than he could have imagined.<p>

What made it worse was that Dean was pretty sure this was a one sided experience. Sam would no doubt have put any thoughts of him to the back of his mind, busy with his new life. The one he left his family for. The one Dean knew Sam deserved.

Of course, Dean couldn't be sure of how Sam felt. But two years of replaying the months before his brother left, all the things he did and didn't do that pushed Sam to leave, it made Dean wonder why it took Sam so long to leave in the first place.

He had always tried to be a good brother, but Dean knew he had made some mistakes. Sure, him and Sam got through. They survived.

But there were some things Sam needed that Dean just couldn't give him. He loved his brother, would die for him. But there was no way any amount of care and attention from Dean would make up for their mother being gone, or that way John had treated Sam.

Dean wouldn't necessarily call John a bad father. He did a pretty good Job of teaching them how to protect themselves from all the hell spawn they hunted. But on the emotional side, John was about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Sam wasn't like Dean, at least not in this respect. Dean knew when John was in hunter mode, he was a different person.

Sam on the other hand, I guess you could say he was more complicated. Roughly twenty years with the guy had taught him that. His little brother needed more than that, needed to know where he stood. Not only the next step, he needed to know the next five.

All of that, a combination of so many different failures and inadequacies, meant that Dean was now sitting alone in the impala, thinking about how his life had gone downhill so quickly since Sam left. He'd just finished one of his solo hunts, at least three hours drive away from where his dad had been based for the last week, working on a big hunt just inside of Oregon. Just a simple salt and burn, Dean barely had to think about it - the negative being that there was way to much time to think about other things. And by other things, he always meant Sam.

That was all his life was made of now. _Hunt, think about Sam, hunt, wonder how Sam's doing, hunt, think about calling Sam._ He was definitely not a weak man by any means, but he didn't know how much more of this he could take. It was freaking _exhausting._

Being in the California only made it worse. It was always there, the thought that he was within easy driving distance of Sam. He knew the last few years had changed him, and no doubt they had changed Sammy too. He just wanted to know He was okay. Hell, Dean hadn't even got a chance to say goodbye to his little brother for gods sake. He felt that all to familiar stab of ice in his heart remembering how Sam had left, how little he had been able to do to prevent it.

As Dean sat, letting it all wash over him, he knew that he had to do it. His father wasn't expecting him back for at least another week, he had plenty of time. No matter how pissed he was at his brother for leaving him, the need he felt to see him was worse. _Just a look_, Dean told himself, just to check he's doing good. Even though he was pretty sure he was lying to himself, he put the keys in the ignition, the impala rumbling to life. He turned out of the lay by, heading for the highway. For the first time in those two years, Dean felt something close to happiness.

He had been in the parking lot for close to an hour now, to afraid to get out. Right from the start, Dean knew he didn't belong here. All these students carrying books, coffee cups, walking with a purpose. He felt out of place.

It wasn't just that stopping him from going in to the main office and asking for Sams housing Winchester - bar fighting, Fugly ganking, Gun swinging Dean Winchester - was actually scared. During the drive, he had already decided what he would tell any receptionist that caused any difficulty. _He was a close cousins of Sams, and there had been a family crisis and he needed to see him right away. _Dean Winchester was actually scared.

No one ever argued with family crisis'. But thinking about seeing Sam and actually getting his ass out the car were apparently two very different things. Just thinking that Sam could be walking right by the car, be so close made his breathing speed up. He would never admit how much he had missed his brother, how he'd thought about doing this almost everyday.

_Then stop hiding out in the car and get on with it! _Dean thought to himself. Stepping out of the car, he walked towards the big building that said ' Main Office' above the doorway. Coming in through the automatic doors, he spotted an official looking middle aged woman behind a large grey desk. Walking up to her confidently, he put on his best smile and tried to look casual.

" hello, how can I help you?"

" well, I came in wondering if you could help me find someone, But I just got distracted by how gorgeous your eyes are."

The secretary giggled, and Dean was pretty sure there wouldn't be an issue now. He always had a way with older women.

" well, who exactly are you looking for?"

" well, a cousin of mine. Names Sam Winchester."

There was a slight pause before the receptionist shrugged lightly and started typing. In moments, she stopped and Dean could see she had found something. He didn't like the unhappy look on her face, and he could feel his stomach hit his boots.

" I'm afraid he's no longer enrolled here honey. Hasn't been for a while."

" What! - no, check again."

" But sir-"

" I said, _check _again!"

The woman flinched lightly, but knew not to refuse again. She took back to the keyboard, yet again frowning afterwards.

" No, he's definitely not here. Looks like he was only here a few months after starting his course."

Dean was having trouble breathing. That was over a year and a half ago. His baby brother had been gone for that long… he could be anywhere.

" Why - why did he leave?"

The receptionist looked at him, and saw the obvious distress. She really shouldn't be giving out this information, but she could see the young man in front of her was only worried about his supposed cousin.

" Let me see. Well, it says here that he fell behind in a class, then failed a few units. He didn't have a high enough grade to continue the course."

He hadn't expected that. Sam had always had his head in a book, been the geek boy of their little family. Failing, that hadn't been an option for his brother. It would have taken something pretty bad to get him that low.

A spike of ice ran up Deans spine. If something had happened to Sam, God knows where he is now. Dean quickly thanked the woman, ran back out the doors and quickly lost his breakfast behind a large tree. Holding It for support, he needed to get a hold on himself.

During his brothers absense, his over protectiveness had grown, if possible. For the last couple months, Deans emotions had been overflowing, and he'd even been starting to baby John. Which did him no favours with his father.

He felt that familiar hollow in his stomach, near panicked thoughts rushing through his head.

He had to find Sam.

But Dean wouldn't be prepared for what he found.

TBC

Thanks for reading, and don't forget to review!


	2. Chapter 2

I tried to make this one a little longer, as some of you kind enough to review said the last one was a little short. I'm coming up to some exams in school in the next few months, so chapters might take a while because of revision!

Slight warning for mild swearing in this one.

Please, review and tell me what you liked, or even if you didn't like it. It all helps.

Thank you for reading!

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><p>It took Dean several horrific days to get a lead. A good friend of his dads, Caleb, had called up and said a friend of his had seen a man matching Sams description in Missoula, Montana. Dean had been at his wits end when he'd gotten that call, and it didn't offer much relief.<p>

" Hello?"

" Dean?"

" hey Caleb. You got anything?"

" yeah actually. Hunter friend of mine said he's seen someone like Sam up in Montana. Missoula, about eight months ago."

" Great! Did he say anything else?"

There was an anxious silence from Caleb. The man wasn't that much older than Dean, and he knew the young hunter pretty well. He didn't like being the one to tell him this.

" Spit it out Caleb. Haven't got time for bull shit."

" Fine. He said the guy he saw - he looked bad. Real skinny. Said he looked like a dear in headlights." Caleb paused, Waiting to see if any comment came from Dean. When none came, he continued.

" Dean, it doesn't sound good. My guy, he said something about trying to see if the boy was alright. He didn't react like I've ever seen Sam."

" what happened?"

" My guy said whoever he saw, he was real shaky. Scared. He said when he'd brushed past the guy on the street the kid had nearly attacked him. Then he just ran, like his life depended on it."

_God, Sammy. _Dean had to take a couple seconds to get himself together before he could talk with out a tremor in his voice. Sure, he'd mocked Sam before about being emotional and girly, but he didn't know a stronger person. It took a lot to spook him like this.

" Thanks Caleb. Tell me if you hear anything else, okay?"

" Sure. If you need to talk or anything Dean, just call me. I'm here."

" Yeah, I know Caleb. Thanks."

"oh, Dean? One more thing."

" yeah?"

" When you find the little runt, make sure you bring him here so I can give him a good talking to."

That made Dean smile. He'd known Caleb for years, and had become fond of the guy. He'd become like a brother to both him and Sam. It was nice to have someone looking out for him.

" You bet. Bye Caleb."

" See ya soon."

Dean hung up, put his phone back in his pocket. It was something. He was a step closer to getting Sam back.

He got back in the car, and put his foot down. The drive should take about eighteen hours, but he knew he could make it in under half a day. No food stops, minimal bathroom breaks, and eleven hours later he was pulling in to a motel in Missoula, Montana.

He needed to do some recon, try and find out if Sam was even still in the city. He was hungry, tired and generally drained. He couldn't get the thought of Sam, scared and alone here out of his head. He ran out to the burger place two minutes walk from the motel, and this was one of the only times in his life Dean Winchester actually rejected food.

After two bites, he felt to sick to eat anymore. He quickly stripped out of his jeans in to just his undershirt and boxers and crawled in to the bed closest to the door. It was a force of habit to get a double room, and he could bring himself to get a single.

He didn't get more than about two hours sleep that night. The nightmares were to bad. They were mostly the same thing, played over and over again in his head. Sam lying in a ditch somewhere. Him dying without Dean there to save him.

For his little brother to be as scared as Caleb's' contact had described, something bad must have gone down. Really bad.

The little travel clock he had brought with him showed 5.30 am. _Might as well get up then. _

He'd decided to start by looking at the local library, try and find something in the newspapers. He hoped Sam would have gotten sloppy, let himself be noticed. Just once. That's all Dean needed.

Still feeling a little sick, Dean decided to skip breakfast and just get going. He had managed to find a map of the city in the motel office, and had already found out how to get to the library, any museums and anywhere else he thought his little brother may have gone. With a city of this size, he hoped it would be open at this ungodly hour.

Pulling up at the library an hour later, he parked the impala outside. It felt wrong going inside. Sure, he had been into libraries with is dad while Sam was at school. _While we thought he was at school. _

But that had been different. That was in and out, just necessity. This time, it was to personal. And Dean felt exposed without his little brother walking beside him.

It took him a while to get his bearings, find out where the records that he wanted were. But his determination didn't get any less. If anything, it got more urgent with every passing minute.

It had been four hours, and he hadn't found anything. Not a single thing. He had gone through hundreds of pages of newspapers on the battered old computer he had found, but nothing that could be about Sam came up.

_Don't give up. He'll be here. _But it was hard. There was one thing keeping Dean positive. He had always shared a strong bond with is brother, one others often found intimidating. But it was almost like he could _feel_ Sam, know he was closer. It had been his life's work to protect his little brother, and through it he had developed a pretty accurate Sammy radar.

After giving up on the computer, he decided e might get more done asking around. It wouldn't take that long, not if Dean knew where to look. But judging from the loud rumbling noise coming from his stomach, he needed to get something to eat.

Sufficiently fed, Dean pulled away from the dive through and pulled onto one of the larger roads. He had decided to ask around at the local book stores first. If Sam had been here, Dean knew he would have gone to at least one.

Within half an hour he was parked behind ` Lizzie's Book store`. A small place, just like Sam would like. He walked around front to the stores front door. He walked up to the small cash desk, seeing the young woman behind the desk. She couldn't have been much older than seventeen. He smiled at he politely, once again using the looks he knew he had to get ahead. He couldn't say he was proud of it, but he could care less right now.

" Hi. How can I help you?"

" Well, I was wondering if you had seen a friend of mine."

Dean retrieved a small photo of Sam he had found in his battered old wallet. He turned it round, showing the girl..

" No, sorry. Don't remember seeing him."

Dean knew he would have to have insanely good luck to find something on his first try, but that didn't soften the blow.

The girl looked at Dean and could see the sadness in his eyes. She'd always been good at reading people, and had been a sucker for that lost puppy looked. Especially the one coming from this tall, green eyed stranger. _Who am I kidding, he's freaking gorgeous_.

" look, how about you leave me your number, I'll keep an eye out for you. Promise. "

After deciding he really didn't have that much to loose, Dean wrote his cell phone number down on a piece of scrap paper, handing it to the kind girl behind the desk. He couldn't put his finger on it, but she seemed trustworthy.

" Thanks."

" No problem. I'm Jamie by the way."

" Dean."

" Well, good luck finding him. Dean."

He left the store, pausing at the door to turn and give Jamie a quick wave. She smiled and waved back. He knew that he would come across some people who weren't as pleasant as the book store girl, but it didn't stop it from lightening his mood. Marginally.

He walked round, back to his beloved impala. He swore he could still feel Sam in the car. Could smell just a hint of the scent that was pure _Sam_, was always stretching to hear the turn of page in a book or the tapping of a keyboard. Sam would always be a part of him, but that didn't affect the burning need he had to get Sammy back.

Which is why, after another twenty four hours, a total of three hours sleep, one hamburger and at least thirty more book shops, he felt like either Sam really hated him and didn't want to be found, or Dean didn't know his brother at all.

Just as he was walking down the street to get back to the motel, he spotted a sign. What must have been the last book shop in the whole city, only a fifteen minute walk from the motel. _What the hell, might as well give it a go._

Stepping in to the dark book shop, his eyes took a while to adjust. It was small, dark and out of the way. And despite everything, Dean had a good feeling about this place.

There was an older man behind the counter, in his mid fifties if the grey hair and the beginnings of liver spots were anything to go on.

The man nodded at him as he approached the counter, keeping an eye on the younger man. Dean put on his best country boy smile, trying to look trustworthy.

" What can I do for you?"

Dean looked up at the man, changing to his patented " hurting, lost and desperate" face. He could win an Oscar with that thing. Even Sam had admitted it was pretty good. But this time, it barely took any effort at all.

" Sorry to ask, but I don't have much choice. You see, a buddy of mine hasn't been around for a while, and I'm getting worried."

The man looked Dean up and Down, seeming to decide he was Okay.

" You got a picture?"

Dean got out the Same photo he had been using all day, and handed it to the man. He prayed to whatever being was listening that he would get a break. _Just this once. Please._

" Actually, I think I've seen the boy. Tall one, long bangs?"

_Thank god_. Dean let some of the tension fall from his shoulders. He was pretty Damn pleased actually, getting something within the first few days was as close to a miracle as he had ever seen.

" Yeah, sounds like him. When?"

" I started seeing him around her about six months ago. Took him two months of waiting outside to finally come in. Since then, he came round every now and then. Haven't seen him in a couple weeks though."

The man fished around on his desk for a second, pulling up a piece of paper.

" Here. This boy you're looking for, he'd wanted a few books that weren't in stock. Took me a while, but I managed to wring this address out of him. Only the building though, no apartment number."

Okay, with in a few weeks. Not bad. That was a hell of a lot more to go on than he had this morning. And an address, that was a god send. Sammy could be sitting in this city. In the address written on this little piece of paper. Someone up there must be watching over him.

" Great. Thanks."

Dean went to turn around, but had to ask. He needed to see if the description of Sam Caleb had given him was worth worrying over so much.

" uh - you wouldn't happened to have noticed anything … off about him?"

" I don't know what you mean by off, but the kid sure was skittish. Not much meat on him. Not just that, but just the way he _was. _I'm pretty good with people, and those eyes - you could see pain in them as clear as day."

And there it is again. The punch in the gut right after the good news. The dark cloud to the silver lining. There was always one.

" Thanks for your time."

" Anytime."

Dean nearly ran out the shop, feeling the panic rising under the surface. He threw himself in to the drivers seat of the impala. _Just breathe through it_.

Once he had himself back under control, he had to figure out what to do. It was 11.30 at night, and he wasn't prepared to hunt up a fourteen story building with this little sleep. He felt like a small sliver had been taken off the huge boulder on his heart, but there was still a long way to go.

He grabbed a burger on the way home, almost enjoying it for the first time in days. He finished his meal, shoved the wrapper in the trash can.

Completely wiped out, he shrugged off his shirt and jeans and flopped into his bed.

He knew he wouldn't get much sleep, but there was nothing else to do. _Nearly there_.

He had nearly found his geek of a little brother. It had been two years since he had seen him, and he couldn't wait.

But it didn't stop the voice In the back of his head that was telling him that the brother he would find tomorrow, would be undoubtably different to the one he knew. And it scared the crap out of him.

TBC

Thanks! Please review. I will love you forever!


	3. Chapter 3

First of all, I want to appologise for not being able to reply to any reviews, its just not working for me right now! I'd like to thank those who logged on to review :

Leventhumps101  
>Supernaturalrenegade<br>Cold kagome  
>Lynn1974<br>Judyann  
>Soulless666<br>Lilyoda  
>Leighannwallace<br>Where the wind blows  
>Shannanigans<br>Sha-silvie

And all those who left anonomous/ just named ones. I really appreciate everything you said!

So, this chapter is a little shorter, but you all said you wanted more, and i'm not going to have a hell of a lot of time over the next few days, so i thought i'd get one done for you.

Any spelling mistakes are because of my own idiocy. Please review! Thank you!

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><p>Dean didn't sleep at all that night. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop thinking. It was like hi brain was on constant loop. Was Sam ok, what had happened to him, why he had left school. The youngest Winchester had fought tooth and nail to get there.<p>

Then the self-doubt crept in. Would Sam want to see him, even if he would hate him. Dean knew they hadn't parted on the best of terms.

This kept building and building until Dean thought his head would explode.

It was still dark outside, but he could see the blue "vacancies" sign through the ratty old motel curtains. He could just make out the deep green door with a suspicious stain on the bottom. _There's always a suspicious stain somewhere in these crappy rooms. I'm just glad its not on the bed._

He'd lost count of the times he had to stop himself from jumping out said bed and running through that door. It would be so easy. Sammy was so close.

But he couldn't. He knew Sam was alive. He knew he had a place to stay. And by the sounds of the guy in the book store, some people who at least kept an eye out for him. There was no need to wake him up at 3 am.

_Just wait four more hours. That's not that bad. Don't be such a pussy and just go back to sleep._

It was less than two hours before Dean lost all will power and got up to get ready. Who gives a crap if he wakes Sam up, he was giving himself a stomach ulcer from stress, Sam could be up a little early. And he wasn't going to waste any more time he could be with his brother.

Stepping out the shower, he wrapped his towel around his lower half and wiped the condensation of the small mirror. Looking at himself, he decided a shave wouldn't go amiss. He was weirdly nervous. He had picked his last pair of clean jeans to wear, and the least straggly shirt he could find. He just didn't want Sam to focus on the dark circles under his eyes, or the way his hair was now chronically limp and lifeless. He wanted it to be like nothing had changed, like the last two years didn't happen.

_All this chick-flick worrying is seriously ruining my chances of getting laid. I look I got pulled backwards through a hedge. _

Ten minutes later, and he was fully dressed and sitting on his bed. It was 5:20 in the morning, and he really couldn't leave before 6. He had to keep active, had to stop the doubts from coming back.

He got his Taurus out from under his pillow and set out his cleaning supplies on the tiny motel table, making sure he had everything he needed.

Dean had always enjoyed cleaning guns, he found it calming. But nothing could really help him now. He went about the motions anyway, thinking he might as well prepared. There was no way he was going unarmed. His dad had taught him that much - never go anywhere unarmed.

Finally, as soon as the clock turned six am Dean checked he had his gun on his calf under his jeans, and left the motel. After he turned the corner just past the motel, he could see the building. He had seen it the night before, but it looked worse in daylight.

It wasn't inhabitable, but was a far cry from pleasant.

It was pretty big, a tall rectangle shaped building with a concrete balcony on each floor. The kind you would expect in subsidised housing, and it wasn't a rare sight in a city. You could see peoples washing hanging out windows and dead plants in the old window boxes. There were large water stains running from the flat roof, and there were several boarded up windows that were visible.

Dean made his way towards the front entrance, ignoring the graffiti and rubbish lying around. There was a lift just to the right as he entered, but judging by the doors that didn't appear to close and strong smell of urine, he decided the stairs was better.

_Flat 4b _it said on the piece of paper the store owner had given him. Fourth floor, not an issue. It took him just over thirty seconds to get up the stairs, taking them two or even three at a time. As he got to the top, he saw two sets of doors on either side of the landing. He walked through the thin wooden doors that went off to the left that said _flats 4a to 4d _on a small plastic sign.

Then he was standing outside the door. He didn't know if he was ready for this. He knew he was stupid, but he had a petty thought at the back of his mind that it might have been to long. That he might have forgotten how to be an older brother. And he couldn't loose that. Being an older brother was so much a part of him, that if it wasn't second nature anymore, it would be like part of him had gone when Sam had.

No, he couldn't think like that. He was responsible for Sam, always would be.

_Grow some balls, Winchester. Open the door, and get Sammy back._

He could do this. He had to.

He reached up, and knocked strongly three times on the door. He heard heavy footsteps behind the door, and the light metallic clang of locks being released.

As the door opened, Dean stopped breathing.

It was Sam. He was at least a couple inches taller, his hair was more strangely and he was much thinner. But it was him. Behind the huge bags under the eyes and the dirty shirt that just hung off him, it was his little brother.

Sam's eyes went wide, and he lost all the colour from his face. He took a step back, and Dean could have sworn he heard a tiny whisper of his name. That was when Sam's knees went, and Dean caught him just before his eyes rolled back in his head and he was out cold.

It took seconds for Dean to get over the shock, and his hunter training to kick in. He wasn't surprised when he could lift Sam off the floor pretty easily, he could definitely feel some bones when he caught his brother. He looked around the tiny flat, quickly spotting the open door to the bedroom.

He walked through quickly, laying Sam down on the double bed that took up most of the room. The covers looked clean enough, but there were no furnishings, nothing that would really indicate anyone had been here for a while.

After he had got Sam settled and checked again to make sure his breathing was fine, he walked to get the duffel he had brought with him. He hadn't really brought it for a reason, just felt safer with it. Not being paranoid, but again, being prepared.

He riffled around until he found the travel thermometer he could put on Sam's forehead and we walked quickly back into the room with it. He kneeled down on the floor next to Sam, checking the pulse in his wrist while pushing the way to long bangs out of the way to put the temperature indicating strip on.

He felt a steady pulse, and when the temperature came back as normal, Dean was pretty happy his bother had just passed out.

_Yep, brotherly instinct still intact_. Now he felt it again, the pure surge of worry and protectiveness and ownership, it was difficult to believe that just minutes ago he had thought this could ever be lost.

It felt a lot better than he could have expected. It felt right. The only thing Dean could link it to was like having a limb become paralysed, then suddenly getting full use f it again.

Now he was a little more relaxed, Dean started to think about this. To really enjoy being this close to his brother, even in his current incapacitated state. He sat on the corner of the bed, taking in Sams appearance.

He could see how Sams cheeks were sunken in, and how tired he looked. He had lost most of the muscle definition in his arms, and dean was pretty sure he could see a hint of ribs above his brothers old t-shirt.

Some serious mother-hen brothering was in need, and Dean was all too ready to do it. Sam would get sick of him.

Now he had some time to think, that same one word question came to the front of his head. _Why_.

Why would Sam be this sick, get to this point. And more to that, why did he freaking faint when he saw Dean? He knew he looked a little worse for wear, but jeez.

It was like he was scared of him. Like Seeing his older brother had been the last thing he expected to happen when he got up today, like he couldn't believe it.

And then, of course, there's the guilt. If he had been there, Sam wouldn't be like this. If he had stopped him from going, he would be fine. If he had just done something differently, all of this wouldn't be his fault.

_But I'm here now. And I'm not leaving anytime soon._

It was only about half an hour before Sam started coming round. It started with little movements, then he started mumbling. All Dean could pick up was something about himself, and something about "gone" . It made no sense. But Dean kept talking to Sam, telling him he was there, and that everything as Ok.

When Sam finally opened his eyes, they weren't focused, and it was obvious he was still a little dizzy. He looked up at Dean with a confused expression, but smiled anyway. He reached out carefully and gently touched Deans arm.

" hey."

"Hey yourself. How you feeling little bro?"

Sam laughed lightly, smiling.

" Good, considering."

" considering what?"

" Considering I'm dead, Dean."

_What the hell? He really has lost it_. _Maybe he hit his head. _

" What? Why would you be dead?"

" Because that's the only was you'd be here. The only way I could be talking to you."

" Seriously, did you hit your head? Why would I only be here if you were dead? I'm not that bad a brother."

Sam looked down at the blanket and started picking at it. There was no chance Dean was going to leave it there.

" Sam?"

The smile was gone. This time, his brothers eyes where shining with tears. He looked at Sammy, straight in the eyes. Dean could see the sorrow in the hazel depths, making his heart ache in sympathy. This wasn't just Sam being disorientated. He was really hurting, and that cut deep into Deans chest. Sam had always managed to find a positive when Dean couldn't. Now - there was nothing even close to optimism in his eyes.

" Why Sam? Please?"

A few tears rolled down Sam's cheek, down onto the pillow he was lying on.

" Because your dead Dean. I saw you die. And there was nothing I could do."

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><p>TBC. remember, reviews = happiness!<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

__Dear god, was this one difficult. I'm back at school for a full week tomorrow, so i decided to challenge myself and get this one done before bed. The things I do for you guys! And its the longest chapter yet, so you can't complain about it being to short. well, i guess you still could.

A little note, there's quite a lot more swearing in this one, and it gets a little darker.

It was getting pretty confusing to write, but the bits in italics is Sam remembering while telling Dean what happened, and you'll understand when you read it if i say anything seperated by - is when it changed from Sams thoughts at the time in the car to the video of Dean, but if its in italics, still sam's memory and telling Dean.

sorry if it flows a little strangely, but try and go with it!

Thanks, and please review!

x

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><p><em>Sam had been at Stanford for just over a month, and he'd settled in pretty well. He's managed to get an individual room with a shared kitchen, and he liked most of the students in his hall.<em>

_His classes were going well, but he'd been on edge for the last week or so. He had spent his whole life being trained to know his surroundings, and that would stay with him for the rest of his life. Drilled into him by his father, he was always using his peripheral vision to watch for potential threats. _

_And right now, he constantly felt like he was being watched, like there was someone - or even something - following him. The first time he was actually scared the Thursday night. He had gone back to his dorm for some studying, and had found an envelope pushed under his door. Not thinking much of it, he walked over to his small bed and shrugged his satchel off his shoulder. _

_He turned the plain white envelope over in his hand, but there was no writing on it. Must have been hand delivered then._

_He opened the back, pulling out a single photo. He couldn't make out what it was at first, but after a few seconds, he recognised it. He would know him anywhere. It was a photo of Dean. A long shot, obviously without is brothers knowledge. And just in the corner of the picture was the hand of the photographer. Holding what looked like a shotgun._

What the hell?

_But when he turned the photo over, his blood ran cold. Written on the back of the picture in small, neat handwriting were three words. " he's going to be mine, Sammy."_

" Because your dead Dean. I saw you die. And there was nothing I could do."

Of all the explanations his brother could have said, this was by far the weirdest. And he honestly seemed to believe it as well. _no wonder he was so surprised to see me. _

" Seriously, Sam? You're not dead. And neither am I."

" Yeah, you are. Don't you remember?"

Sam was looking at him with a questioning look, the combination of his tiredness and the tears still drying on his cheek making him look at least a decade younger than he actually was.

" I'm right here, and we're both fine. You're really starting to scare me Sammy Why - why would you think I'd be dead?"

" I saw. The man showed me."

_He didn't know what to do. If someone was threatening Dean, they sure as hell chose the wrong family to mess with. But he didn't know where Dean was, and maybe he had nothing to worry about. Sure, right now the only thing he wanted was to drive a fast as he could and find his brother, warn him._

_But it was just a picture. Dean had dad with him, and they could both protect themselves. He'd only just manage to escape that life. It had cost so much, and he was pretty sure Dean wouldn't want his help._

_It was another week before another envelope arrived under his door. This time, he picked it up like it could explode any minute, and opened it right there by the door._

_Inside was another picture. This one was a closer shot, one of Dean sitting in a diner, eating some form of processed meat. There was the hand with the gun again, just in the corner of the shot. _

_It wasn't the photo that had him stumbling to his bed to sit down, before he fell. It was the writing on the back again._

" _He doesn't have much longer Sammy."_

_Who the hell was doing this? Why would they be threatening Dean? There had to be something they wanted from him. And that meant Dean was safe for now. He would just wait, and give them what they wanted. Anything, if it meant keeping Dean safe. _

_It was another three weeks before he got the worst photo so far. His school work had been suffering, his mind always elsewhere. He hadn't been sleeping either, constantly wondering who was doing this, and why. He had been warned that if he didn't improve, he could be kicked off his courses. And he had tried, but after this, he had no hope._

_This wasn't like the others. They had been bad enough with the weapon, but this crossed the line. This went past the line, then kept on going._

_It was clearly Dean this time. But he was tied to a chair, somewhere dark. Maybe a basement. And he was unconscious - knocked out. A little blood was seeping from a slit lip, but he didn't appear to have any serious injuries._

_There was only a single word on the back. " Helpless."_

_Sam couldn't decide if he was going to explode with anger, or puke. _

_Apparently the later. He only just made it to the bathroom before he lost the contents of his stomach. _

_It took a couple minutes for him to think it was safe to walk away from the toilet. He knew what he had to do. He was gonna pack up the necessities and drive. To bobby's probably. He would know where Dad and Dean were - where they were supposed to be. _

_He was ready to go in half an hour. He didn't have time to let anyone know he was leaving, who knows how much time Dean had before these sick bastards hurt him anymore. _

_He took his duffel and got all of his money from the hollowed out dictionary on his bookshelf. He didn't trust banks._

_Sam ran out of the building, heading to the secluded car park. He was going to have to hotwire a car, but Dean ranked so much higher than his morals on auto theft. He looked around, deciding the old blue pick up truck that he knew belonged to a certain second year who deserved it. He also knew it could move, after nearly being run down by the thing doing about seventy during his first week as a college freshman _

_Going as fast as possible, he could get there in under a day. He pulled off on to the road and prepared himself for a fight. It would get ugly, but no way was he leaving Dean to whatever idiot thugs that took him. _

_He had only been on the road for five hours or so when he ran into some trouble. There was a pretty big off roader with blacked out windows tailgating him. He didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know that something was wrong. _

_He kept going for a couple miles, but the driver was signalling for him to pull into the lay-by that was coming up. It was a stupid move, but what if they were the ones who had Dean? They might be the only way to help his brother. _

_He pulled in, pulling his gun and putting into the large pocked inside his jacket. He stepped out of the car to see three large men exiting the other car. It wasn't a busy road, which was yet another thing that should have made Sam run for the hills. It meant no witnesses. _

_Two of the men had were flanking the smaller man at the front, who was obviously the boss. He thought that seemed a bit weird, having the least threatening on as their headliner. They were all wearing sunglasses, and stopped a few feet from him._

" _Hello, Samuel."_

" _What did you do with my brother? What do you want?"_

_The man smiled. He reached up to pull of his sunglasses, and the men behind him followed his actions._

_He saw the two goons eyes first. Even in the dim light, he could still see the complete lack of colour. Only dark, horrific black that was all to familiar with the life his family led._

_He took a step back, but couldn't run. Running would mean a chase, and he would probably loose. And now he was pretty sure Dean's life depended on him._

_He didn't know how deep in he was until he saw the leader remove his shades. He expected the same black of the hired muscle behind them. That wasn't the case._

_Sam had never seen this kind of demon before, and he didn't even know if there was more than one. But he knew this Demon personally. He also knew that he was in way, way over his head. He was looking into bright, yellow eyes._

" Sam. The yellow eyed demon? What - how?"

" I don't know how he found me. Or you."

Dean had stayed quiet while Sam had told him bits and pieces of the story. None of this made sense. He had never been attacker or kidnapped. But once Sam mentioned demons, it started to make more sense. They would do anything to manipulate people, and had the skills and connections to do it.

This kind of emotional terrorising wouldn't be out of the question.

" They never hurt me Sam. They lied, about all of it. You have to believe me! "

Sam looked at his brother like he hadn't understood something that he was trying to get across.

" I knew you would say that."

" Sure you did. Know me to well little brother. You okay to tell me some more?"

" Think so."

_Sam woke up with his hands tied in front of him, and sticky leather pulling against the skin on his cheek. He moved a little, groaning. He guessed he was in the three demons car judging on the low rumble of the engine._

" _Hey, looks like pretty boy over here's coming round."_

_He opened his eyes but couldn't see anything. For a second he panicked, thinking they had blinded him somehow. But then he felt the rough fabric of a hood being pulled off and then blinked to try and focus his eyes. He guessed that he had been jumped and knocked out by the trio. He would say he was angry that he had made such a rooky move, getting out the car. But he wasn't worried about himself right now, this was about Dean. He knew it. _

_His head had started to throb and he was pretty sure there would be a good sized lump on the top. _Just great. That's exactly what I need right now. These morons are doing a pretty good job of pissing me off, if that's what they want.

_As his eyes got used to the low light in the car, he could see one of the larger guys was driving, and he was in the middle seat with a demon either side, holding his arms still. He saw that the yellow eyed demon was on his right, holding some sort of video player._

" _How you feeling, Sammy?"_

" _I'd be a hell of a lot better if I hadn't been attacked by you sons of bitches. And if my brother wasn't tied up somewhere, being threatened. Again, by you sons of bitches."_

_The demon laughed, which really creeped Sam out. Demons shouldn't laugh. It always meant something bad was coming, and he wasn't going to like it. _

" _What the hell is so funny?"_

" _Oh, Sammy. You really think I'd just leave Dean somewhere? Restrained, where he would undoubtedly find a way to get free? I'm not that stupid."_

_He can't be saying what Sam thought he was saying. If he had hurt Dean - he would suffer. Sam didn't care if he was up against one of the strongest demons any hunter had encountered, he would rip him to shreds. Dean always got to play the protective big brother, but what people didn't really understand is that Sam felt exactly the Same way. He would die for his brother in a second. If that's what it took._

" _Where. Is. My. Brother."_

" _Well, fancy a movie Sammy? I think that would make everything a little clearer. David, please keep him still. I want him to see all of this."_

_Sam was starting to freak out as his chest was pulled back to the car seat and his elbows pushed as close as possible in David's huge other hand. He was right. This wasn't gonna be good. _

_The yellow eyed demon was holding the flat tablet video player as it flickered to life. The video started off much like the last picture, Dean tied to a chair and unconscious with blood around his mouth. That must mean this taken at least a few days ago, if not more. The camera shifted, and he saw the demon walking in, holding a gun._

" _No. if you've done anything to him, I swear." _

_Sam tried to look away, but his head was held firm. He couldn't close his eyes, as much as he wanted to._

" _Keep watching Sammy. It hasn't even got to the good bit yet."_

_The demon in the video smiled at the camera before slapping Dean hard in the face. The noise echoed around the room. That was enough to wake him up a little. His older brother looked at the yellow eyed hell spawn above him and then at the camera. _

" _You sick little bastard." Dean said. He spit on the ground, getting rid of some of the blood in his mouth._

" _Come on Dean. You don't want to make this any worse for yourself. Now wave you little bro!"_

" _What? You - you wouldn't. keep Sam outta this. I'll do whatever you want."_

" _Oh, I know. And I'm not going to do anything to Sam, this is just the push he needs."_

_Sam couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew where this was going, and he was fighting with all he had, even though he knew there was nothing he could do now. Dean was in pain, and more was coming, and it was cutting Sam up inside like he was receiving the blow._

" _What the hell are you talking about?"_

" _Well, you see, I've got a little plan for poor innocent Sammy. I think you've been told of how your mothers death was supposedly my fault. Well, did you ever wonder why I was in Sams nursery? What could I possibly want with a baby? Think about it Dean."_

" _Maybe your just a sick pervert. That's my best guess."_

" _How funny Dean. You always did have quite the attitude. But actually, no. I was there to feed your brother. Just a few drops of my blood. Know what that means? My blood is still in his veins. He's not human Dean. And he just needs a little encouragement to become one of us. What he was always meant to be."_

" _You're lying."_

" _No, I'm really not."_

_A shot rang off, and Dean screamed in agony. It was a through and through to his leg, but still enough to hurt like hell._

" _I'm gona kill all of you. Slow and painful - "_

" _Sam, please. This will just take longer if you keep interrupting."_

" _Jesus, what was that for?"_

" _Nothing against you Dean. You could say this is just a means to an end."_

" _Sammy, if your watching this, don't listen to the sick fuck. Hold out,"_

_Another shot came, this one to Deans arm. Blood was running freely down his leg, and was now seeping through his blue shirt, dripping to the concrete floor._

" _stop struggling Dean, you can't help him. Also, if I were you, I wouldn't be worrying about Sammy right now."_

_He walked over to Dean, pressing the gun to his temple. _

" _Any last words for little brother Dean?"_

_Sam was nearly hysterical now. His eyes were streaming, his muscles ached from trying to break free of the iron grip. He had to help Dean, he couldn't die. What would he do with out his brother? He needed him. He couldn't imagine life without him._

" _Sam knows that I love him, if that's what you mean. But you won't get anything from him. He's the strongest person I know and killing me - that's just gona give you one majorly pissed off hunter."_

_And with that, the gun went off. Sam saw the bullet exit the back of Deans head along with blood and god knows what else._

_Deans body slumped, falling slack against the restraints. There was no way he would have survived that. _

_And Sam knew it. The fight in him had gone. He had no energy to fight back anymore What's the point?. He felt a huge piece of himself go with Dean. He had never had a chance to tell him he loved him too, one last time. He would never hear him humming AC/DC in the impala, he'd never see his brother devouring a burger in some non-descript diner ever again._

" _See Sammy? This is your fault, really. If you had just followed the plan, become a good little soldier, your beloved brother wouldn't be splattered all over the walls right now."_

_Sam had no response. He didn't care about the tears that flowed constantly down his cheeks or how he was sobbing. He didn't feel anything other than deep, consuming grief and loss. He didn't care if they killed him now. He even thought he would prefer it that way. At least then he might be with Dean. _

" _You think about it Sam. You could still be something. Be someone. We'll be watching."_

_And with that, Sam was dumped by the side of the road. He rolled, hitting a tree on the slight down hill embankment at the side of the road._

_It was the middle of the night, and autumn. But he didn't care. He lye there, letting the numbing cold take over him, anything to take away this guilt. The pain that felt like a ball of fire in the middle of his chest._

_He didn't care if he never moved again._

_TBC_

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><p>Thanks for reading, and just a quick review would be much appreciated!<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

__Sorry it's taken me a little longer to get this one done, but RL got pretty complicated with studying and a couple close friends that were going through some tough stuff, but its finished! I think i'll do another one or two chapters after this, just to wrap it up and get some things out in the open between our boys.

Any errors are completely my own, but i was up till 3 am editing it, so forgive me for any horrific typos or mistakes!

And thank you to all of you that have been reviewing, its really giving me the motivation I need at the moment!

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><p><em>And with that, Sam was dumped by the side of the road. He rolled, hitting a tree on the slight down hill embankment.<em>

_It was the middle of the night, and autumn. But he didn't care. He lye there, letting the numbing cold take over him, anything to take away this guilt. The pain that felt like a ball of fire in the middle of his chest._

_He didn't care if he never moved again._

Dean watched as Sam started to hyperventilate. He moved closer to him, rubbing comforting circles on his brothers back, trying to soothe him.

" Shhh Sam, its okay. You're okay. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

He didn't know what to do, how he could help. What he had described - Dean couldn't even imagine going through that. It sounded like classic upper level Demon to him, but it didn't mean it wasn't real for Sam. Sam had thought he had been dead for more than a year - Dean didn't think he could survive that long without Sam. The skin and bones, haggard look in his eyes and what the huge bags under his eyes made sense now. _God, what did they do to you little brother._

" I'm fine Sam. Just calm down, its all going to be alright."

" I can't b-breathe. De…"

" Yes you can. Just breathe with me Sam. In - and out - In - out."

Sam closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing. He couldn't believe Dean was there. He wouldn't let himself. All these months of pain, he couldn't go back now. He had just started to feel more like a human being again.

The downward spiral after Dean - after _that_, nearly killed him. It would have, if he'd had anything to do with it. But every time he picked up a gun, the thought of what Dean would do if he was watching him made him put it down. He had already let Dean down in the worst way ever possible, he couldn't disregard his brothers wishes as well. He would want Sam to keep going, no matter what. So that's what he did. Everyday felt like a battle, but he stayed alive for Dean.

Even after he died, his big brother was still the one protecting him. So no, Sam never gone as far as suicide. But he drank. And he didn't just get a little too tipsy. He was catatonic for ninety percent of the time for those first six months. It made the pain more bearable, just for a little while. And he would do anything to get that feeling of the burn in his throat and then the pleasure of the numbness spreading through his body. He barely even recognized who he had become.

Then it just didn't do it anymore. The searing knife he felt in his heart wouldn't dull with alcohol, so when he met a particularly shady dealer in an alley way, he really thought he had nothing to loose.

He still doesn't remember what it was, or how much. He just knows he woke up, freezing cold in an empty parking lot more than twelve hours later. It only got worse from there.

He was getting high at least twice a day, most of the time more. He couldn't bear to see anyone that he didn't absolutely have to. He could see what it was doing to him, but he really didn't give a crap. He had let his brother die, and he deserved to suffer like this. He resorted to stealing to get the money to pay for the tiny box-like apartment. It was basic survival - you need a safe base. His was just a place that he could crawl to and escape. Even so, he still tried to keep one of his main morals alive. He never took from the innocent, only people who he judged to really deserve it.

He didn't eat more than was necessary, when the hunger pangs got so bad he could only just walk to the local shop without hunching over. Eating felt like a luxury that he didn't deserve.

" Sam?"

He took a deep breathe and pushed all of those memories to the back of his mind. Dean didn't need to see how weak he had become. Sam wouldn't let him. If he pretended that it never happened, maybe the pain would go away.

" Yeah - I t-think I'm good. s-sorry."

" Listen Sam. You need to believe me. Everything they showed you, I'm pretty damn sure it's the demons. What they want I'm not sure on, but it was just to get you - well, get you like this. But they're not going to get to you, okay? I'm here. Those sons of bitches won't get close enough to try anything. "

Dean was going to kill them. Every single one of those fuckers who _dared_ to hurt his brother. His Sammy was like this because of them, and they deserved to rot in hell for doing this.

" - really?"

Sam looked up at Dean, and felt something in him warm. Dean could really be here, honest to god, not a hallucination.

" Really little bro. You okay?"

" I - I don't know. You don't know… I'm…"

" Its fine Sam, you don't have to talk about it. Not yet. You know how much I missed you, kid? I can't even imaging what it would be like - if you…"

Sam couldn't hold back any longer. Screw chick flick moments, he reached out and hugged his brother. There was a moment of shock before he felt Dean squeeze back. He needed this, and he was pretty sure Dean wasn't objecting.

He couldn't describe how right it felt to have Dean there with him. He could smell the leather, black coffee and outdoorsy smell that was Dean. He saw the bronze amulet around his neck, and he let more tears come. This time, he was so freaking happy, he didn't care if Dean thought he was a girl. He had his brother back. That meant everything would be fine, one way or another. He could feel Deans chin rest on the top of his head, and he sat there for a minute, trying to get his head on straight.

He felt his hair move as Dean huffed out a sigh. His older brother put a hand on his shoulder and gently pulled him back. He felt the loss straight away, fighting the urge to shove his way back to hug his brother.

" Sorry Sammy, but I think we need to get you cleaned up. Your hair smells like week old chilli fries."

Sam laughed for the first time for as long as he can remember. Classic Dean - manage to insult him while still trying to make him feel better. It made his heart swell. Dean always knew just what to say to him, and he was grateful that that hadn't changed while they had been apart.

" Might be a good idea."

Dean got up, looking at Sam to see if he needed any help. His brother looked so fragile, he was worried he would topple over with the smallest gust of wind. He could still see a tinge of disbelief in his brothers eyes, but it was overshadowed by what looked to be happiness.

Sam got up off the bed, but a few second after he stood Dean saw him start leaning towards the floor. He quickly put a hand round his brothers back to steady him, pulling him up so he was lightly leaning on his side.

" Whoa there, steady Sam."

" It's fine, just a head rush."

" You think we can keep going?"

Sam rubbed his eyes, planting his feet firmly on the ground. He was going to try and maintain some form of dignity, even though he thought that boat may have already sailed.

" yeah, just a little dizzy. Bathrooms on the other side of the front door."

He kept his arm around Sam, not wanting to risk him falling. He Lead Sam towards the only other room in the apartment, eager to get him looking a little more like his old self again. He wasn't going to let on how much seeing his normally strong, resilient brother this broken.

Sam was steady on his feet now the dizziness had passed, but he wasn't going to tell Dean to let go. Sam was sure he was still in shock. Everything he had believed since he left Stanford was a lie. He was so worried about Dean being in trouble that he let himself be played by those Demons. _How disappointed would dad be. _

Dean being here also brought a certain sense of the unknown. He knew the Demon with the yellow eyes was out there somewhere, waiting for him. But if he found out Sam knew Dean wasn't dead - who knows what he would do. What he might try to do to Dean.

_No. I'm not gonna let anything happen to him. I can't loose him again. I'll die first._

_Wait - what if this was another trick?_

The thought made Sams stomach hit his feet He wouldn't put it past Demons. Dean had only been here a few hours, but Sam knew it would be torture if it turned out to be a lie. But he had to know.

" Dean? Could you just - just stay there for a second. I need to grab something from the bathroom. "

" Uhh - sure. Just be careful, don't want to have to have to pick your heavy ass up from the floor."

Sam walked in to the room and gently closed the door behind him. Opening the small cabinet on the wall, he pulled out the flask of holy water he always kept stashed there. He had three other flasks spread around the apartment, a well as salt and various weapons. He was trained to do this, to protect himself from the supernatural. it was so routine he had barely given it a second thought, even in his previous incapacitated state.

" Dean? Could you come in here a sec?"

He stood in front of the door and twisted the cap off the holy water. Dean opened the door, obviously looking around the tiny room for an injured Sam, his eyes wide and concerned. It made Sam feel a little bad about this.

That was when Sam threw a good amount of holy water right in his face. He saw the shock on his brothers face. But thank god, no sizzling. There was no screaming, no skin burning. The water was slowly dripping off Deans chin and wetting his shirt, and in turn the bathroom floor.

" Sam? What the hell was that?"

Sam laughed lightly as Dean wiped the water from his eyes and brushed back his shining wet hair. He felt the relief wash through him. _Not a demon then_.

" Sorry. I just had to check. I didn't know if you were - well you."

Dean grabbed the small grimy hand towel from a hook on the wall and rubbed it over his face. He couldn't blame Sam, he would have done the same.

" Its fine. I'm proud of you, Sammy. But I'm not a demon, not dead, not a dream. Okay?"

Sam nodded. He felt that last bit of doubt slowly leave him, and he felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Sam looked around the bathroom, embarrassed at how sparse it was of any kind of supplies. There was half an old bar of soap that might have been there when he moved in, and half a tiny bottle of shower gel he had found in the bottom of his duffel a little while ago. He had no clean clothes to change into either.

He hadn't realised how much of a mess he really was. He couldn't remember the last time he showered or brushed his teeth.

" Not much to work with, but its ok. Why don't you jump in the shower, I'll head out and grab some stuff. I saw the huge pile of gross laundry, so i'm gonna take that down to the laundromat. You gonna be ok for a little?"

Even though the thought of Dean leaving panicked him, he wasn't going to say that to his brother. He could be left by himself for twenty minutes, he wasn't a baby.

" I'm fine Dean. Just - be careful, okay?"

" Always am Sam. Now get in the shower, you're stinking up the place."

Sam smiled at his brother, he knew Dean was right. He grabbed the only full size towel in the bathroom, and Dean turned to walk out the bathroom.

" Dean?"

" Yeah?"

" It's just - I'm glad you're hear. Really glad."

Dean chuckled deeply, and Sam relaxed even more at the sound. It felt like he had finally been given a break. Someone really was looking out for him. He didn't know if he believed in god any more, but if there was one, Sam was pretty sure that he was sending him a lifeline. Almost like a light at the end of the deep, dark tunnel that the last year and a half had been.

" I know Sammy. I missed you too. Now, get in the damn shower Samantha."

Dean shut the bathroom door, and a few seconds later Sam heard the front door close. He quickly stripped of his shirt - not daring to see how bad it smelled - and pulled off his jeans. He turned the shower on, giving it a little time to warm up.

He knew Dean was going to want to talk to him. Assess the damage to see what needed to be done. Sam wasn't sure what he would think of him after he knew what he had turned in to. But he didn't think he could keep if from Dean for long. He had only been clean for little over a month, and he had marks all over his arms. He still drank every now and then, but he was more under control. Dean deserved to know what he was getting into. How deeply this had cut Sam.

He didn't know what was going to happen now, but he knew one thing. Dean was here, and anything that comes around, they go through it together. He was going to have to be strong, put everything behind him. But he had Dean back, and he wouldn't let anyone take him away from him. Not without going through him first.

TBC

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><p>There you go! thanks for reading and don't forget to review!<p>

x


	6. Chapter 6

Hello again!

So, i've made this chapter a little longer, to appologise for the wait for the last one. Again, i edited it myself, so any spelling mistakes or grammar are my own. This one took a lot of thinking, and i'm still not sure its exactly what I want, but it's my best one so far.

Only warning is there's a little language in this one.

Enjoy!

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><p><em>He didn't know what was going to happen now, but he knew one thing. Dean was here, and anything that comes around, they go through it together. He was going to have to be strong, put everything behind him. But he had Dean back, and he wouldn't let anyone take him away from him. Not without going through him first. <em>

It took Dean less than fifteen minutes to run to the store and grab some essentials. It still took him another forty five minutes to get Sams tone of laundry done. By the time he got back, he had been nearly an hour and a half. _Sam's not gonna be pleased. _

He took the stairs two at a time, not wanting Sam to worry anymore than he knew he already would be. He knew Sam was unstable at the moment, and until he could get to the root of the issue and help him, he prayed to God that nothing else happened.

He shifted the duffel of clean clothes and grocery bag onto one arm to put the small key in the lock and push the door open.

" Sam?"

He dumped the bags on the tiny kitchen counter just as he heard footsteps walk quickly up behind him. Just as he turned to see what it was, he felt arms go around and squeeze him so tight he couldn't breathe.

" Dean. I thought - you took ages. I didn't know what - if - "

" Sorry. Took a little longer than I thought. You ok?"

Sam ran his fingers through his still slightly damp hair. He'd spent extra time in the shower, embarrassed about how he'd let his personal hygiene slip. He didn't want Dean to have to be around his stink. The water had soothed him a little a well.

" Yeah. Just a bit on edge, you know?"

" Hey, I get it. No worries. I grabbed some doughnuts, you want some?"

Before he could refuse, Sam's stomach chose that time to rumble incredibly loudly.

" I guess that's a yes then."

Sam grabbed one of the dusty fold out chairs he had found in the boiler closet. He passed the other to Dean and sat next to the tiny window. Dean grabbed the large pink box of various doughnuts and sat opposite Sam, resting them on his knees.

" Take your pick, Sammy."

Sam looked at the doughnuts and couldn't help the hunger. He hadn't quite got back to his normal eating habits yet, he was working his way up to it. But he was going to do this. Going to get stronger. He grabbed the biggest in the box and took a large bit. _God, that's good_.

Dean took one of his own and set the box on the floor in between them. He wanted to get Sam to talk, and he figured the easiest way was probably with food. His brother had always had a love of all things edible. He waited a few seconds in the comfortable silence, trying to decide the best way to go about it. But there really was no easy way.

" Sam?"

" - yeah?"

" I'm just gonna come out and say it. No offence, but you look like crap. I know you went through hell, but I'm trying to help you. For me to do that, I kinda need to know what I'm fixing."

Sam swallowed the food in his mouth. He knew this was coming sooner or later, but it didn't mean he actually wanted to do it. It meant showing Dean all his failures, all his weaknesses. His " perfect soldier" older brother would see him for what he had become. But it was better he know now that find out later.

Sam gave a small nod.

" Okay. How 'bout you start from the beginning?"

Sam wiped his hand on the old sweatpants he was wearing, not yet changed in to the clean clothes. He needed to figure out a way of saying things in the best way possible, but still the truth. _ironic. Think I would have made a good lawyer_.

" It was - it was bad. Real bad. I don't remember a whole lot. I know a woman saw me on the side of the road, patched me up. She dropped me off here, showed me where I could go to get something warm to eat."

He took a deep breath, preparing to carry on.

" It only got worse from then. I couldn't deal. With you being gone - it was to much Dean. I started - drinking, and never really stopped. I didn't pay for it much either."

Dean had guessed alcohol would have come into this some where. He had seen a good amount of empty bottles in a bag in the corner of the bedroom. It still made him insanely pissed off that his brother had to drink like that because of was the God damn Demons did. And where was he during all this? No where to be found. _I'm officially the worlds worst brother. _

" You off it now, Sam?"

" Yeah. For a little while now."

" That's my boy. I'm proud of you."

" You're- you're not mad?"

Dean sighed lightly and rubbed his hand over his fast growing stubble.

" I'm not one to judge. I don't know what I would do going through that, hell I don't even want to think about it, Sammy. I know who you are, and none of this would make any difference. You think you can tell me more?"

This was the hard part. Admitting that he had basically become a junkie wasn't going to go down well.

" I don't think you really want to know. Its bad."

" Sam, did you not hear everything I just said? I'm not blaming you. I need to know what happened. Just - please. Trust me."

He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself. Dean was his brother, had always been his best friend. He just didn't want to see the disappointment in those eyes that he knew he deserved. _Here goes nothing_.

" Drugs."

"- what Sam?"

" It was drugs."

" God. Seriously?"

" I'm sorry. Really, but you don't know what it was like. I can't even describe it. Come on, just please, try and understand."

Dean stood up from his chair, turning to face the wall. He didn't expect this from his goody-two-shoes little brother. He always seemed to health conscious, to much of that " my body is a temple" crap to go that far. So no, he didn't understand.

" You - how bad was it?"

" I was in pretty deep Dean. Like, barely knew my own name deep." Sam paused, trying to find the best way of putting the feelings he had in to words. Honestly, being brought up as a Winchester, he didn't have the best chance to start with. " You don't know how much I regret it now. It was stupid, and you're disappointed. I get it."

" Sam - "

" Shh, let me finish."

"After a while, the booze didn't get rid of the pain. The guilt. When I saw that video, saw you die, I knew it was my fault. And I couldn't just live with that. I did what I had to survive. It was hell, and I know you have every right to walk right out that door. I stole from people, I don't know who I became. But I need you. Please."

God, this was killing Dean. His baby brother had been in so much pain, and he hadn't even known. Sure, he was shocked that Sam had got that bad. But honestly, he knew a little of where Sam was coming from. When Sam had left to go to Stanford, Dean felt like half had him had gone with his brother. But if he had thought Sam was dead - especially if he thought it was his fault - who knows how bad he would have gotten. What lengths he would have gone to.

" Are you still using anything?"

" No, not for a while now."

" And it's going to stay like that. If I ever see you so much as go near anything stronger than beer, you're getting your ass handed to you. Okay? I'm not going to let you do that to yourself ever again."

Sam smiled at him. Dean surprised him, yet again. But of course, he should have known he would take the threatening mother hen route.

" 'course Dean."

" And I'm sorry. So freaking sorry I wasn't here. You shouldn't have had to go through this - you wouldn't have had to if I had been less of a stubborn ass."

" Seriously? You're such a masochist. You know none of this is your fault, you just enjoy the pain."

" Shut up, I was trying to apologise. But if you're gonna be a bitch about it, then that's fine. Never mind." Dean laughed, walked past sam and thumped him lightly on his shoulder. Chick flick moment over, and he knew they would be okay.

There was a loud, sharp bang against the door that immediately sent Dean into hunter overdrive. Sam rose from his chair, and Dean turned just in time to see two guys storm into through the now broken door.

Dean moved to step in front of Sam with out much thought. He still had his gun in his belt and the small flask of holy water he always kept in the inside pocket of his jacket. He had a feeling he would need them.

The two men took a step closer, and Dean saw their eyes go black. He heard a soft gasp come from Sam behind him. This wasn't going to be pretty. He stepped back slightly, covering more of Sam with his body. He had no doubt that these were the demons that hurt Sam, and there was no way they were going to do anything to him again.

" Well well well, what have we here. A little family reunion, boys? Now, Sammy here was under the impression that you were left splattered across a wall somewhere, Dean. We would have liked to have kept it that way."

Sam was frozen on the spot. These were the same two black eyed demons that started all of this. He knew this would happen at some point, that it would all come crashing down on him again. But did it really after Dean had been back for less than a day? He wanted to move, to stop them getting any closer to him and Dean, but he couldn't. His feet felt like cement.

" You son's of bitches need to stay away from my brother."

" Come on Dean, you must have gotten enough out of him now to know what's going on. Now move out the way. We just want to take what's rightfully ours. "

Dean quickly moved and grabbed the holy water, flinging some at the larger of the two. It had the desired effect, the demon grabbing his face in pain, backing up against the wall.

The other demon ran at them, and before Dean could get the holy water out, the demon had one arm around his neck. Dean felt the metallic bite of the knife cut in to his skin slightly, and the demon turned him so he was facing Sam as the blood started to slowly drip down onto his chest.

" No, let him go - Dean.. Please -"

" Come on Sammy. You know there are only two ways this is going to go. Either you come with us voluntarily, or I slit Deans throat and we force you out. You pick."

The first man recovered, coming over and slowly making his way towards Sam. With Dean stuck, he knew he was going to have to play this smart

Dean was fighting hard trying to get some form of leverage, but every time he moved the blade sliced deeper in to his throat. He couldn't afford to risk any serious Damage, he couldn't leave Sam alone with these bastards.

" Sammy, its okay. You're gonna be fine."

" Shut up you disgusting little boy."

Sam knew now. He knew what he had to do. He looked at Dean, hoping he understood what he was trying to get across_. It's going to be fine. I'm getting you out of this. Sit tight. _

" Fine."

" Sam! No -"

" Dean, I have to. I'm not gonna watch you die. Not again. Just put the knife down, and take me."

" Don't do this Sam!"

The larger Demon came around behind Sam, taking one of his arms and forcefully starting to pull him towards the door. Sam knew what he was doing, knew what could go wrong. But he wasn't going to be the weak little brother any more. He could be strong. For Dean.

Just as he saw the demon with the knife around Deans neck start to back off, he jabbed his elbow backwards as hard as he could. He felt the satisfying grunt as the Demon backed up, obviously in pain. But it wouldn't keep him down for long.

Dean got with the programme quickly, twisting in the demons arm to give him a sharp hit with the palm of his hand to his face, breaking his nose. He felt fresh blood start to drip down his neck. He must have caught the blade when he turned, but it had to be done.

He ran over to Sam, standing back to back, covering the other.

" You good Sam?"

" Yeah. You?"

" Yeah."

The two Demons were back up on their feet, circling the boys. Dean started off reciting the Latin he knew back to front.

" Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus ,omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio."

The affect on the demons was immediate. They both grabbed their heads, but Sam still gave his one a good kick in the gut to keep him back. They looked like just the muscle, no real power in them. They wouldn't be hard to take down.

As Dean continued , the demons slowly sunk to their knees, groaning in pain. Sam was feeling _amazing_. He knew this wouldn't be the end of their run-ins with these Demons, but this was a pretty Damn good start. He had done it, had fought back. And it felt great.

The blood loss was starting to get to Dean. He had got through the exorcism until the last few lines, but the nausea and dizziness were getting to much. The wound on his neck was freely bleeding now. He could feel the wetness soaking his shirt, and the his mouth felt full of cotton.

" S-Sammy, I can't - you have to- "

_Oh god, he can't do it_. Sam panicked. He Hadn't used the exorcism in more than two years, and his and Deans lives were in his hands. He could already see the Demons start smirking, slowly rising off the floor. _Come on Winchester. Get it together._

Then it came to him. He could hear his fathers voice in his head, drilling the words in to him until he knew every syllable. Those endless nights going through it until the pronunciation was completely correct. You didn't loose that kind of thing.

" I got it Dean. Terribilis Deus de sanctuario suo. Deus Israhel ipse truderit virtutem et fortitudinem plebi Suae. Benedictus deus. Gloria patri."

The Demons screamed, black smoke finally shooting out of their mouths. It was a few seconds of loud roaring and screaming, then the two bodies slumped to the floor.

_Thanks Dad._

Dean finally let go. He slumped to the floor against Sam, knowing his brother was safe. Sam had saved them both. He sat lightly on the floor, trying not to puke. His head was pounding, and he was going cold.

" Dean? Come on Dean, stay awake."

" Y-you did it Sammy."

" Come on, you need to help me. I gotta get you stitched up before you bleed out."

Sam reached down, put his hands under Deans arms. He was feeling stronger than he had in months, he felt alive. He would never have guessed he would actually missed the adrenaline of the life. But the blood now soaking his brothers shirt shot a bolt of panic through him. He struggled to stay in the moment, not to think back to the last time he had seen Dean covered in blood…

_Focus_. He needed to help Dean. Pushing the rising feeling of sickness, he got himself together.

He pulled Dean up, trying to get his feet on the ground. He didn't have as much muscle as he used to, and Dean was a heavy guy. He couldn't carry his brother with out some help.

Dean's legs felt like spaghetti. He managed to get his feet on the ground, but he couldn't take hardly any of his weight.

" Sam, y-you're gonna have t-to.."

" okay, I got you Dean. Just try and walk with me. You're not gonna fall."

It was slow progress, but they made it to the bedroom with out any further injuries. Sam put Dean down on the bed, and hissed as he got his first good look at the wound on his brothers neck. It wasn't big, but it was deep. Would probably leave a scar. _Something to show the ladies, no doubt_.

" Just stay there Dean, I'm gonna grab the first aid pack, I'll be right back."

Sam went to the bathroom, pulled out the large green box and the sterilized needles that had been there for years. Thank god the packaging was still in tact, he didn't have time to waste having to boil them.

He quickly ran back to the bedroom, turning the grimy bedside light on to get a better view while he worked. The cut was still bleeding, but thankfully it was slowing.

" Dean? This is gonna hurt a little, but it'll be over quick."

" 'kay."

It took seven stitches to get the wound closed. Dean was out of it, but Sam made sure he was still breathing okay. He cut off the last stitch and lightly rubbed rag soaked in medicinal-strength alcohol over the tidy wound, admiring his handy work.

Dean would probably be out for a while, but Sam wasn't worried. He would make sure he was okay. He had lost a lot of blood, but they'd both had worse. He'd just have to keep Dean drinking over the next couple days.

Sam sat back on the chair he had brought in from the main room, leaning back and watching Dean as he tried to get his head around what had happened.

Dean had protected him today. Even when he had the knife on his throat, he had wanted to make sure Sam was okay. _Classic Dean_. Now It was Sam's turn.

Dean had brought back a part of him he thought was long gone. He wasn't just the depressed addict anymore, He was Sam, and having his brother back was the best feeling in the world. He knew that no matter what happened, who tried to separate them, Dean would have his back, and he would have Deans. It's just what brothers do. Always.

TBC

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><p>Thanks for reading! there'll only be one or two more chapters after this. Don't forget to review! I love knowing what you guys think.<p> 


	7. epilogue

__The last chapter! just a little ending point for me. I hope you've enjoyed reading, and thank you to all of you.

x

_Dean had brought back a part of him he thought was long gone. He wasn't just the depressed addict anymore, He was Sam, and having his brother back was the best feeling in the world. He knew that no matter what happened, who tried to separate them, Dean would have his back, and he would have Deans. It's just what brothers do. Always. _

It was a couple hours before Dean started to wake up. Sam had been alternating between reading one of the car magazines he'd found in the Deans' duffel, and watching his brother, keeping an eye on him. It started with light movement of his eyelashes, and he slowly surfaced back to consciousness.

A small moan escaped Dean when the headache became apparent through the thick fog. His eyelids felt like lead, and he knew he was forgetting something. As he strained to get his eyes open and got a look at Sam sitting there smiling at him, he started remembering it all. The demons, the panic in Sams eyes, and how his little brother had come alive. He had fought back, and some of the fire that was so much a part of Sam had come back to his eyes. He had saved both their asses. And then black.

" Hey Dean. How you feeling?"

" Sm? Head - h-rts."

" hold on."

Sam left the room, coming back quickly holding a glass of water and a few pills. He put an arm round Deans back, pulling him up so he could drink without spilling It all over himself. Dean lifted up his shaking hand to take the pills, putting them in his mouth. Sam put the glass to his lips, and he was about to object, but he knew it was probably a bad idea. He would only end up spilling it.

He swallowed the pills without much trouble, Sam helping him lay back down and get comfortable. Dean was feeling more awake, and he turned his head to look at Sam. He had changed in to some of the clean clothes Dean had brought back with him, and obviously straightened the room up a little.

He definitely looked different. His cheeks were pinker. His eyes brighter. It took years off his face.

" They shouldn't take long to kick in. You remember anything?"

" Yeah. You kicking some demon butt. You were awesome."

Sam laughed, sitting back in the chair. He was still riding the high of the fight. And compliments like that didn't come from Dean often, so he knew it meant a lot to his older brother.

" Couldn't a done it without you, dude. Think we could of done with out the decapitation attempt though."

" Yeah. Didn't feel to great for me, either."

Dean reached up and touched the bandage that covered most of his neck. He figured Sam must have patched him up. He had always been the best of the three of them at field treatment, and he could see that hadn't left Sam. _Well done, little bro. Proud of you. _

" So. You think we dealt with our little Demon problem? I don't know how much more my neck can take."

Sam rubbed a hand through his chestnut coloured hair, some mall lines of worry much returning to his young face.

" Doubt it. And there's more where they came from. The big dogs."

" Didn't think we could get off with one fight. God damn Winchester luck. It's like we've got a " come kill us " sign on out foreheads."

" Don't I know it."

Dean heard the pain come back to Sams voice. He would always have the scars of these last few years. His brother had been cut deeper than he himself ever had been, and it would be something he would always carry with him. But Dean was gonna help carry that load.

" How bad was it? After I blacked out?"

" Not to bad. You had me worried for a little, there was a lot of blood. But I could handle it. Instincts, you know?"

" Some crazy ass instincts we got. But I guess they come in useful."

Hunting did that to people. It turned the best men in to soldiers, could break them down, make them cold. But Sam had been chewed up and spit up by the world, and he had come through. His warmth, his caring had carried him through. And no matter how much Dean picked on Sam, he envied that. He had always who he was, knew where he stood. It was another Sammy- thing. And he was starting to get that back.

" Hey, Sammy?"

" yeah?"

" you think - you're gonna be okay?"

Sam had to take a little while to reply. But he knew the answer. He had Dean. His brother was a man of little words, but he had a kind of silent strength that was just part of him, and it was slowly warming Sam, from the inside out.

" Yeah Dean. I'm gonna be okay."

" Good. That's good."

Dean sat up on his elbows, managing to get to an almost-sitting position. He waved off Sams hand as it shot out to help. He had a cut on his neck, he wasn't geriatric.

His stomach was churning, which either meant he was hungry, or about to puke. After he waited for a couple seconds and nothing happened, it felt safe to assume the first.

" Sam? We got any doughnuts left?"

_Should have thought Dean would be thinking about his stomach_. Sam chuckled, reaching round to grab the rest of the box he had brought in from the kitchen. He had thought Dean might be hungry when he woke up.

" Just be careful. I don't want to have to clear up your puke."

Dean ignored him, grabbing one from the box. He leant his head back on the headboard, taking a small bite. His stomach didn't put up any rejection, so he kept eating until he was licking frosting off his fingers. Sam had finished one of his own as well, after a look from Dean when he went to put the box down.

" We need a plan Dean. You know we're gonna get more of them, no matter what we do."

" I know Sam."

Dean hadn't had much time to think past no dying, but he knew the basic gist of what they would need to do.

" Well, then we do whatever we can, and we make sure we're ready when they come at us. We stick together. We ride this out."

" But - if they get to us, they would - try to… you might get-"

" They might kill me? Thanks for stating the obvious Sam. But you know what? It's not worth leaving you over. We both have a better chance together. And I'm not leaving you, even if it meant a higher risk."

A tear came to Sams eye. Dean was right, but hearing him say it was still good. He would stay with him. Would have his back. It had been so long since he had anyone but himself to rely on. It would be dangerous, but what part of their lives wasn't? In a very weird and twisted way, Sam thought it made it more interesting.

" Yeah. We deal with it together."

" No other way, Sammy."

Dean was starting to feel the medication kick in, and he lowered himself back down. He knew that him and Sam could deal with this. They knew each other better than themselves, and it made them a pair of the elite. They could survive anything. But if they didn't? they went down together.

" -Sam?"

" Yeah, Dean?"

" You know I'm - proud of you, right?"

Another wave of warmth went through Sams heart. The thing he had been worried about most was the thing he hadn't needed to. Dean would always be his brother. And he would always be Deans. Their own " alpha and omega", " yin and yang".

" Yeah Dean. I know."

" -good."

Dean closed his eyes, starting to feel sleep creep up on him. Sam pulled the cover up around him, and Dean didn't have the energy to tell him not to be such a girl. He felt the tablets effects, and all the remaining tension left his body. In the last day and a half, his life had been flipped on its head. But him and Sam were strong. His brother had literally faced his Demons and come out the other side. That was pretty Damn incredible in Deans book. He felt the last of consciousness begin to leave him.

" love you Sammy."

" love you too, Dean."

Fin

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